On a Mission: Update

A few months ago I embarked on an adventure to focus attention on getting myself into fabulous shape and looking great, just in time for my 40th birthday.  I lost a few pounds, and plateaued on that, but I gained a much clearer understanding of what it means to be healthy and look great at any age.

I quietly watched other friends and acquaintances and their efforts and actions towards feeling better about themselves and I came to the conclusion that I needed to shift (but not lower) my expectations even more than I had originally thought.  For example, I have been regularly eating a wonderful variety of fresh fruits and vegetables, along with other healthy choices.  I enjoy moderate exercise and because business is beginning to pick up I just don’t have the time to work out the way I did last summer when I was able to spend hours a day at the local fitness center where I worked part time.  I made up my mind that I can sustain my healthy eating and moderate exercise habit.  I already knew and needed to be reminded that I am absolutely not willing to give up cookies for the rest of my life and thanks to a foot injury during workout boot camp I learned that crazified workouts are just not an option.  I have a few friends who are petrified of getting older and how vowed to fight it at any cost.  One of them has achieved a significant weight loss through an excessive obsession with gym workouts. She was never fat, and now she just looks thinner.  She looks sturdier but she doesn’t look happier or more delicious.   Similarly, a woman who works at the weight loss doctor’s office told me that she follows the terribly restrictive diet they recommend all week and only eats what she wants once a week.  She is skinny as a rail and looks like a miserable human being to me.  Her cheeks are sunken in and drab and she doesn’t smile very much.  If I ate like that I wouldn’t smile either!  Neither of these women look vibrant, enthusiastic, or content, which are all very important components to my idea of fabulous.  Meanwhile, the changes I have made get me lots of positive compliments from strangers and friends.  Lately, I have been hearing lots of comments about looking “glowy, peaceful, happy,  sexy, like a newlywed”…and I like this.  Conclusion:  be healthy, and don’t worry because 5-10 lbs is not all that important at all.

Although eating cleaner (fresher, less processed) diet has not really resulted in fat loss for me this time around, it has led to a definite clearing of my skin.  I have much smoother, clearer, softer, and more even-toned skin all over.  I don’t wear foundation regularly and recently I stopped using face powder on a regular basis as well because I have no bumps to cover up.  The sparkly bronzer I love is now just a little too much for me now because my color is great and I just don’t need that pick-me-up anymore.

As the weather finally warmed, I had to buy new clothes.  I had all wool pants and fall tops in the closet.  This time I really paid attention to creating a style, being comfortable but not opting for the commonplace.   I rediscovered my favorite clothing store, which by the way, I never would have shopped at age 20 because it’s just too darned expensive.  So the truth is, it is so much more exclusive (unique) than Gap or Target.  You’ll think I shopped at a little standalone boutique somewhere.  The clothes I am finding are not the typical cookie-cutter crap that you see worn on MTV.  I buy items that have flattering cuts that don’t attempt to hide me, but just look great.  I’m not keeping up with the teeny-bopper trends like those aging “Sex in the City” types.  Oh yes, and I wear dresses!  After all these years.  I love the carefree no-fuss style that is not frumpy-hippie but sophisticated and versatile because it reveals a different kind of beauty that satisfies me.

What else have I been doing?  You would never believe how simple.  I just made a conscious effort at putting myself out there and being comfortable with it, in very simple ways.  When I get a manicure, I just have the high-shine buff instead of nail polish.  I took my sister Kelley’s advice on natural hair care and leaning more towards the clean, slightly tousled look for my locs.  I relax in my backyard hammock whenever I get a chance.  I enjoy wine and cheese in moderation.  I flirt with my husband in public.

Many of these things I have done before.  The truth is that you don’t just do a bunch of stuff and then one day be fabulous and have a “reveal” episode like in “Extreme Makeover”.  You do things and constantly refine and shift them as needed, not with the corporate-inspired trends and continue to get better and better with time.

The Most Important Beauty Product

I love beauty products.  I am sure I have done enough research about beauty products and makeup to earn a Ph.D. on the subject.  I could spend all day in the beauty store and only come out to eat.  However, when I find an excellent product I can stick with it unless something changes, unlike many cosmetics junkies who one day claim to have found the holy grail and less than a week later are on to something else.

The most important beauty product hands-down is sunblock.  It is imperative to use sunblock every day because it prevents skin cancer, hyperpigmentation, burns, and the breakdown of skin cells that leads to permanent wrinkles.  If you don’t want to look like a troll someday, you have no choice but to wear sunblock daily unless you never go outside.  But I HATE sunblock!  It smells bad, it is too thick and greasy, or, in the case of the nice mineral ones, leaves a chalky white cast on brown skin.  I have exotic brown looking but normal/combination sensitive rosacea-prone pale red-haired Northern European acting skin, which is hard to protect from the sun.  For YEARS I had been satisfied using Purpose Redness Reducing Moisturizer SPF 30, except at the pool or beach because it is not water resistant ( I have a different, thicker SPF 45 for that).  All of a sudden this past fall this same product began to break out my skin with a crunchy red itchy rash.  I stopped using it for a while since it was winter and my day job prevented me from seeing the light of day anyway.  But now with spring arriving and longer days I tried it again, hoping maybe my face forgot about the abuse it took from that sunblock before.  But no, the itchy rash is rearing up again, dammit!  I asked my dermatologist(s) to recommend a sunblock that is:

• fragrance free
• lightweight and easily absorbed
• broad spectrum
• portable and sanitary–not packaged in a jar
• moderately priced
• gentle but not zinc or titanium oxide-only (because of the white chalky film)
• does not leave a shiny sheen
• SPF 20-30
• doesn’t burn eyes or stink too badly
• water resistant (ok- wishful thinking)
• can be worn under makeup

but they seem to find this topic way too boring.  All they say is find an SPF 30 that I like.  But here are hundreds of them!!!!  Even the ones with the best reviews are horrible. Now I am hunting again.  According to my research this time, which consists mainly from reviews by Paula Begoun, I have 3 good viable choices:  Neutrogena Age Sheild SPF 30, Neutragena Active Breathable Sunblock SPF 30, or Ultra Dry Touch Sunblock SPF 30.  I am headed to the drugstore today to smell, feel, and read the lables of the products.  I am not in any way promoting these products.  I am promoting the use of daily facial sunblock.  I encourage everyone to find the right sunblock for themselves.  I do however, recommend my most reliable beauty product information resource, Paula Begoun aka “The Cosmetics Cop”.  Check out her website and books for  comprehensive objective information on hundreds of makeup and skin care products.

On a Mission

This is my third week on the plan with the weight loss doctor.  Just like before, it’s working.  I am exercising too.  On my way

So here's my BEFORE photo--Hahahahaha!

to the exercise class I saw some free books on a stoop, which is a fairly common thing where I live.

I spotted the Perricone Prescription book and scooped it right up.  So many times I have contemplated buying that book but just never did.  (Thank you, neighbor!)  I had used some of the concepts from my previous shape-up a few years back when I got into the best physical shape of my life, since I was about 20.  The eating plan I followed was  basically the South Beach Diet with some Perricone ideas thrown in.  I am never an advocate for silly faddish temporary “diet” plans.   These are sensible guidelines for eating for great health, enhanced beauty, and reduced fat stores.  The book provided a little inspiration.  It provided another resource for my quest to be fabulous.  It was a sign to keep going, I’m on the right track.

In less than a year I’ll be 40 years old.  I don’t feel apprehensive about it the way I did about turning 30.  I freely own my age thanks to the wisdom and authority is has brought me.  I know everything.  (At least that’s what my husband says).  I do what I want and don’t give a rat’s ass what others think about it.  I don’t feel any pressure or worry at all about turning 40, it is just another year.  But just knowing how people typically react to a 40th birthday makes me want to start a new (well maybe not) project.  Fabulous at 40.  I think it will be so much fun to do my own mini extreme makeover. There will be NO surgical face lift and NO liposuction and I won’t be changing my style to look like a wannabe supermodel.  It’s gonna be authentic Lisa, new and improved, and sustainable!  YEAH!  Of course this means I’ll have to have a party.  Any reason will do.

Skin Detox: Foolish or Fabulous? By Paula Begoun

A reporter from US News and World Report called me for an interview about toxins and how or if skin-care products could purge them from skin. I appreciated how this reporter framed her question; she asked if it was possible. Many reporters have bought into myths just like anyone else and start asking a question assuming something is true when it isn’t, not even a little. I was more than happy to have another opportunity to set the record straight on this overused, bogus term.

Much like any myth, if you hear or read about it often enough it becomes fact in the mind of many consumers. Once that happens they are eager to seek out the benefits of what amounts to little more than snake oil. Purging toxins from the body and skin is equal to the perceived need to drink lots of water (and often too much water) to keep skin hydrated. Neither is based on fact. And this isn’t a conspiracy of the medical world. Just like the medical world discourages people from smoking and over-eating, or it encourages exercise and other beneficial behavior in the most direct campaigning possible (with solid research and studies of why you should follow their advice), so it’s no surprise the medical field hasn’t jumped with agreement on the “let’s purge toxins” bandwagon. If purging toxins from your body could help then physicians would be at the forefront of getting the information out to you (as soon as it was shown to be true). But truth doesn’t always sell products. Oftentimes you’ll get more people’s attention and dollars by promoting fiction-based fear instead.

When it comes to fiction, snake oil salespeople are supreme at quick fixes and euphoria. I love the drink more water example, because if your water intake is greater then what your body needs all you do is go to the bathroom more. Nothing in your body changes, it doesn’t change the status of “toxins” in your body or how dry your skin is. Kids who don’t drink enough water don’t have dry skin because of it. Dry skin for most adults is the result of sun damage, genetics, health issues, certain medications, and their environment, not water intake. Believe me, I wish alleviating dry skin was as easy as increasing water intake!

In terms of skin and the purging of toxins we move into the absurd. At least with routine (not excessive) water intake it helps to stay hydrated and not be thirsty. When it comes to purging toxins from the skin there isn’t a shred of evidence it is even possible, let alone helpful. Yet somehow sucking toxins out of your pores or between skin cells has become a basic part of many women’s attempt to achieve flawless skin. As a result of this flawed belief, detoxifying skin as sold by the cosmetics industry or earnest spa attendants and estheticians and the vitamin/herbal supplement world has become a sizable business.

And exactly what is a toxin? Consult the dictionary and toxin is defined as any poison. So what poison is lurking in your skin needing removal? Again, there is no answer from anyone in any corner of the alternative cosmetic or herbal world. What you may hear are more general, vague terms such as bacteria, airborne pollutant particulates from cars and city life, bad fats (this is a big lie in cellulite treatments), faulty lymph systems that build up who knows what, even fast food and secondhand smoke requires purging in this part of the cosmetic industry. Listening to all of this is enough to make some people want to live in a sterilized, airtight bubble for the sake of whole body purity, but there’s no need to take such a drastic step.

What isn’t ever explained is exactly what is being eliminated when so-called toxins are being purged? No one has measured how much of whatever stuff is supposedly being removed during the process of cleansing. The reason that no one is doing such testing is because consumers don’t need facts to make decisions about their skin, so we end up with a big myth that is good for business but not you.

Without ever doing even basic testing, the people selling these detoxifying skin-care products or treatments leave it up to their imagination and they are adept at creating imaginary, unspecified toxins that are causing wrinkles, open pores, oily skin—you name the skin care complaint—and purging the skin is supposed to help. That expensive spa treatment wrapping your body in herbs, salts, fragrant oils, clay, or minerals might feel good and for a short time make your skin feel smooth, but in reality no skin condition has changed: your wrinkles haven’t gone away, your cellulite is still there, your pores haven’t changed, yet your pocketbook is lighter (now that’s what I call purging).

Many of these products claiming to detox the system, at least as far as the cosmetics industry and spa world is concerned, are fairly benign and do little, if any, harm. Overheating the body with saunas, Jacuzzis, and facial steaming can cause more problems than they help by damaging the skin’s ability to hold moisture, causing capillaries to surface, and increasing oil production. Putting fragranced salts into your bath can irritate the vaginal skin lining. Not good news but not terrible. Mostly it is just a waste of money and following myths isn’t a recipe for good skin care.

What has me concerned is some research I saw on really dangerous snake oil treatments as reported on a blog/podcast site at http://skeptoid.com, which had several posts written by Brian Dunning, a computer scientist who debunks pseudoscience reports as a hobby (I confirmed that the content is accurate and all quoted material below is from the author’s blog)

Mucoid plaque is supposedly a toxin naturopaths and herbal charlatans say everyone has growing inside their bowels; in fact they are created by the pill sold to purge them. In other words, the supposed cure is causing the problem making people assume the malady is real.

What you get to cure mucoid plaque is “…a bowel cleansing pill, said to be herbal, which causes your intestines to produce long, rubbery, hideous looking snakes of bowel movements, which they call mucoid plaque. There are lots of pictures of these on the Internet, and sites that sell these pills are a great place to find them. Look at www.DrNatura.com, www.BlessedHerbs.com, and www.AriseAndShine.com, just for a start.”

“Imagine how terrifying it would be to actually see one of those come out of your body. If you did, it would sure seem to confirm everything these web sites have warned about toxins building up in your intestines. But there’s more to it. As it turns out, any professional con artist would be thoroughly impressed to learn the secrets of mucoid plaque (and, incidentally, the term mucoid plaque was invented by these sellers; there is no such actual medical condition). These pills consist mainly of bentonite, an absorbent, expanding clay similar to what composes many types of kitty litter. Combined with psyllium, used in the production of mucilage polymer, bentonite forms a rubbery cast of your intestines when taken internally, mixed of course with whatever else your body is excreting. Surprise, a giant rubbery snake of toxins in your toilet.”

“It’s important to note that the only recorded instances of these “mucoid plaque” snakes in all of medical history come from the toilets of the victims of these cleansing pills. No gastroenterologist has ever encountered one in tens of millions of endoscopies, and no pathologist has ever found one during an autopsy. They do not exist until you take such a pill to form them. The pill creates the very condition that it claims to cure. And the results are so graphic and impressive that no victim would ever think to argue with the claim.”

Another detoxing gimmick I came across is from the electrical foot bath products on the market. “The idea is that you stick your feet in the bath of salt water, usually with some herbal or homeopathic additive, plug it in and switch it on, and soak your feet. After a while the water turns a sickly brown, and this is claimed to be the toxins that have been drawn out of your body through your feet. One tester found that his water turned brown even when he did not put his feet in. The reason is that electrodes in the water corrode via electrolysis, putting enough oxidized iron into the water to turn it brown. When reporter Ben Goldacre published these results in the Guardian Unlimited online news, some of the marketers of these products actually changed their messaging to admit this was happening — but again, staying one step ahead — now claim that their product is not about detoxification, it’s about balancing the body’s energy fields: Another meaningless, untestable claim.”

“But detoxifying through the feet didn’t end there. A newcomer to the detoxification market is Kinoki foot pads, available at BuyKinoki.com and many drugstores. These are adhesive gauze patches that you stick to the sole of your foot at night, and they claim to ‘draw toxins’ from your body. They also claim that all Japanese people have perfect health, and the reason is that they use Kinoki foot pads to detoxify their bodies, a secret they’ve been jealously guarding from medical science for hundreds of years. A foolish claim like this is demonstrably false on every level, and should raise a huge red flag to any critical reader. Nowhere in any of their marketing materials do they say what these alleged toxins are, or what mechanism might cause them to move from your body into the adhesive pad.”

“Kinoki foot pads contain unpublished amounts of vinegar, tourmaline, chitin, and other unspecified ingredients. Tourmaline is a semi-precious gemstone that’s inert and not biologically reactive, so it has no plausible function. Chitin is a type of polymer used in gauze bandages and medical sutures, so naturally it’s part of any gauze product. They probably mention it because some alternative practitioners believe that chitin is a ‘fat attractor’, a pseudoscientific claim which has never been supported by any evidence or plausible hypothesis. I guess they hope that we will infer by extension that chitin also attracts ‘toxins’ out of the body. Basically the Kinoki foot pads are gauze bandages with vinegar. Vinegar has many folk-wisdom uses when applied topically, such as treating acne, sunburn, warts, dandruff, and as a folk antibiotic. But one should use caution: Vinegar can cause chemical burns on infants, and the American Dietetic Association has tracked cases of home vinegar applications to the foot causing deep skin ulcers after only two hours.”

“Since the Kinoki foot pads are self-adhesive, peeling them away removes the outermost layer of dead skin cells. And since they are moist, they loosen additional dead cells when left on for a while. So it’s a given that the pads will look brown when peeled from your foot, exactly like any adhesive tape would; though this effect is much less dramatic than depicted on the TV commercials, depending on how dirty your feet are. And, as they predict, this color will diminish over subsequent applications, as fewer and fewer of your dead, dirty skin cells remain. There is no magic detoxification needed to explain this effect.”

What remains indisputably true is that the country of Japan is not selling these toxin-purging foot pads like hotcakes, everyone is not using them, and the Japanese have health problems like any population.

I’ll end this article by coming full circle back to skin care. Trying to eliminate wrinkles and other skin woes with false hopes that involve throwing your money down the toilet on products that can’t help doesn’t really make sense. When there are brilliant things you can do your skin, wasting money isn’t the way to go. Purging yourself of the myths the industry loves instigating and perpetuating and learning what you really should do instead is the best way to take care of your skin.

Paula Begoun, aka the Cosmetics Cop is the author and publisher of seven best-selling books on the beauty industry, including Don’t Go to the Cosmetics Counter Without Me 7th Edition, Blue Eyeshadow Should Be Illegal, The Beauty Bible 2nd Edition, and Don’t Go Shopping for Hair-Care Products Without Me. She has sold more than 2.5 million copies of her books and is also a syndicated columnist, with her “Dear Paula” column appearing in papers throughout North America. Her work as a nationally-recognized consumer expert for the cosmetics industry has led to repeat appearances on CNN, as well as programs such as Oprah, The Today Show, 20/20, Dateline NBC, The View, and Primetime.

Well-known for her extensive knowledge of the cosmetics industry, she is a respected resource amongst professionals in a variety of fields impacting the world of skin care. Over the years Paula has been and remains a consultant for dermatologists, plastic surgeons, major cosmetics companies, and industry insiders.

Women, Beauty, and Competition

Guess what, Goddesses! There’s plenty of pretty to go around. I was honored this weekend and in the past few weeks of being in contact with some of my closest women friends. They are all beautiful. The other day I began to wonder why it is that so many other women are not so lucky to have many true female friends. Why is there some kind of jealousy and competition  among Goddesses? Why are some women so intimidated by other women who are gorgeous and so engage in silly catty behavior towards one another? I don’t really know, so you’ll have to go ask Dr. Phil or somebody.

What I do know is that when I am going to meet some of my women friends I take extra steps to look nice. I make sure I have on a nice outfit and throw on a little makeup. I make sure my lips are shiny and my lashes are long and luscious. But my intention is not to upstage my friends. My purpose is to be pretty for them to look at. Let’s just face it. I am straight. I love men. But women are prettier. We have more variety to our looks. You don’t have to be a lesbian to appreciate a stunning face and a fabulous outfit. How do I know this?

Well, a few years ago I met this woman on a listserv. We are both mothers and had a lot in common. At the time a lot of my women friends had gone away or taken on other interests. Being a mom can sometimes be lonely so I reached out to connect with someone who likes to have fun, with a little sidekick in tow.

When it was finally arranged for us to meet face to face, I got all pretty and went to meet her for coffee. When I got there I was disappointed. She had not made any effort to look cute for me. She had on stained sloppy clothes and carried a raggedy-ass bag and her face could certainly use a little paint. But I didn’t judge her. We had a nice conversation that afternoon.

The next time I met her I secretly hoped she probably didn’t know what to expect the first time we met but this time she would have herself together. She did not. I couldn’t help but to feel a little slighted, as though I wasn’t important enough for her to try to look her best. Or at least presentable. I wanted to see her beauty. Yes, she had her natural beauty and while I really didn’t expect her to present like a supermodel, because I certainly never do, I felt uncomfortable and taken for granted, kind of like the husband of 5 years whose wifey consistently looks a hot mess when he comes home from work in the afternoon.

I am still friends with the woman but we have gone in different directions for reasons unrelated to appearance.  Whenever I see or talk to her I try to encourage her and let her know that she is beautiful and that she should not be ashamed to coax it out into the open.  Nevertheless, I suppose she has her reasons for being the way she is and I accept that.

When I meet up with my friends who take steps to look pretty I feel pretty. Beauty is not a scarce resource to be coveted and fought for, it is abundant and unlimited.  Some of my friends are far more beautiful than I am. So what? I don’t wish they were ugly so I could look better. I want to admire them while I sip my tea and giggle about life.

I’m a Fatty: Heathy, Happy, Juicy and Delicious

This is not another rah-rah fat acceptance article to convince the morbidly obese, sedentary, extreme eaters that they are somehow sexy, healthy, and fabulous. At the beach this week I noticed I have put on a few pounds since last year. My tummy protrudes disproportionately (and always has) from the rest of my body.

Juicy Photo by Charisse Williams

It gets much worse when I gain a little extra fat. Genetics plays a role in the shape of my body, but is not the whole story.

A person’s size and shape is a result of a very complex formula that includes genetics, activity level, types and variety of activities done, quantity of food, quality of food, proportional balance of daily protein/carbohydrate/fat intake, hormones, age, gender, and overall health, to name a few factors. This is why the one size fits all weight plans don’t fit most, and why the range of ideal body shapes and sizes is actually very broad. We in the West are under the false belief that if we eat right and exercise that we would all be size 2, when in reality people who eat right and exercise can be a size 2 or size 20 and everywhere in between. The actual numbers her are based on my own unscientific assumption, only to be used as an example, not to be taken as a literal fact, but I’m sure you get the idea.

I am a professional dancer who performs once and teaches twice a week. I work out at the gym 4-5 times per week. I walk or ride my bike to the store often and my friends consider me a high energy person. I live in a 3-story house and run up and down the stairs many times a day. I know others with similar activity levels to mine who are skinny as a rail, which, btw, I honestly prefer not to be.

I am not an emotional eater, who dashes a candy bar in times of daily stress, nor am I a high-fat processed food junkie who eats from a fast food restaurant at least once a week. I love whole, unprocessed foods like fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I am no vegan or vegetarian and although I care about what I put into my body, I have no food restrictions. Although I don’t always eat in moderation, I never binge. I love food. I eat.

I am plump and juicy like a ripe grape in the summertime and not a miserable emaciated stick figure with sunken cheeks because I am a happy person who has fun. I am probably a little fatter than my ideal because I veered off my normal habits a bit recently. But there is no need for me to fret about it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but just to get back on track and everything will fall into place. Thank goodness I am not paid as a supermodel or a famous actress to perpetuate women’s self loathing and to maintain standardized image that some woman spend their lives trying to imitate, because I would be under constant stress of being fired! I am paid to help people bring joy and happiness into their lives so I just look the way I happen to look by taking care of my health and enjoying life. Looking good is important to me, but equally so is feeling good and living well.

What is your ideal weight, size, shape, look? Here is the formula:

• Have some fun every day

• Don’t eat anything you don’t like

• Eat the rainbow (colorful fruits and vegetables) every day

• Generally eat real, whole, unprocessed foods

• If you love a fatty, sugar, processed junk food, don’t deprive yourself. Eat it every now and then.

• Be active in other ways than deliberate exercise (like a rat in a wheel)–dance, bike, play rope, skate, goof off with your kids

• Make sure that the amount of attention you pay to body image is equal to the amount of attention you dedicate developing your brilliant mind; having fun; enhancing skin, hair, tooth, and nail health and beauty; and being prosperous.

If you consciously and consistently do these things for several months, the exact number of months depending on how close to or far from your ideal body size and shape you are when you start, you will wind up at your ideal size and shape. If you do this and never become (notice I did not say “achieve”) size 2, then join the other 97% of us and be happy.

Female Sexual Expression or Cliche Stereotypes?

Do you know the difference?

It is such a shame when women claim that they are so free to express their sexuality, are in reality just imitating someone else’s (usually a man’s) idea of what they think female sexuality should be. I would never tell anyone whether or not they are being authentic in their expression of their own sexuality, but the range of sexual expression is at least as broad as the range of human emotional expression, and maybe broader. But the range of most commonly what we see being portrayed as sexual expression is extremely limited and narrow as unsophisticated, silly little sex kitten-like behavior, which makes its authenticity highly suspect. Behaving in a stereotypical sexy female way is not harmful, as long as the actor has acknowledges it as such. It can be fun to behave like an airhead porn star–if that floats your boat, as long as you don’t take it on as your personality (if you are not indeed a genuine airhead porn star).

I was inspired to think about this topic by a CNN video clip I saw this morning, “Video Vixens too Revealing?

Women are so complex, therefore naturally female sexual expression is as well when it is genuine and emanates from deep within. But when women put themselves out there as only superficially sexy, and nothing else, the result is just a facade of sexual liberation, and it does not serve a woman’s interests at all. For starters, living a lie always eventually ends in unhappiness, because she is not honoring her self and her needs. She may become lost in her show, losing her grip on reality. Instead of meaningful relationships, she will experience the most shallow and flippant form of attention from males with short attention spans. Many, many men can see past cliche stereotypes and greatly appreciate a woman’s genuine sensual, sexual, feminine expression. Even others find it extremely attractive but can’t put a finger on exactly what it is they are attracted to. Female sexuality is vastly unlimited. It can be mysterious, breezy, shy, bold, ethereal, playful, aggressive, exotic, plain, elegant, graceful, butch, innocent, goofy, etc., and the list could go on for days. That sexuality can be expressed though a woman’s gait, voice, gestures, facial expressions, fashion, language, emotions, creativity, or any combination of these plus more.

Sexual expression is highly individual and unique, and therefore can include, but can not possibly be limited to writhing and gyrating, with mouths permanently stuck in a position to give cunnilingus at any second, conveying an overt message of submissive inferiority and desperation to be had sexually in the current moment! Female sexual expression can not possibly only consist of visuals of solely breasts and asses, because there is a whole body and mind to work with. As a tantra yoga instructor and feminist, I am certainly not a prude. Sexy is good, even if it is trashy sometimes, but that’s not all! I work with women to help them to look far beyond the confusion created by male media exploitation of female sexuality for profit to embrace their own healthy individual sexuality, in all its glorious diversity.

We should reclaim our sexual identity from simplified, superficial cliches. The first step is to be able to identify our own pleasure, and to simply distinguish it from the pleasure that is derived from pleasuring others. Of course I am not suggesting that we take on a selfish, every person for themselves attitude when it comes to sex. I am suggesting that you know how to experience a fair give and take in a sexual relationship, instead of exclusively pleasuring a partner, and thereby only getting a secondary, incidental pleasure for yourself. Ask yourself, what actually pleases ME?

Secondly, try not to define your sexual expression using someone or something else as your frame of reference. Just BE, which brings us all the way back to carefree sensuality. Broaden your sexually expressive horizons! It is not always necessary to overtly put sex on display to express your sexuality, because your sexual self is actually not separate from the rest of your self. Give up posing for others or imitating anyone. Don’t compare yourself to other women. Forget putting on the usual acts–talking in a babyish voice, walking with tiny steps with the feet in turnout like a two-year-old in a diaper, pretending to be unintelligent, or moving like a robot programmed to look sexy. Relax into your own sensual world and just be a part of it, without putting forth any effort at all and choose to allow your real self to show.

How to be More Feminine

By Linda Markley

Unhappy medium

The feminine principle has been suppressed for millennia. In recent decades, we have also learnt to suppress the masculine and relate in a safe, neutral way. Relating in a neutral way is expedient for all of us at times, but part of the richness of life and opportunity of this time, is for all of us to develop a wider spectrum of strengths and choices, and dance more freely with others, especially in intimate relationships. To dance we have to be willing to be and express something other than neutral. In doing so, we help others express more of themselves. In particular, when we are more feminine, we leave space for others to be more masculine.

How to be more feminine

1. Please ourselves – Women have been conditioned for many generations to get and keep a man. Even in these enlightened, liberated times, studies show that women who are not in relationship are less confident about their appearance than women who are in relationships. This feminine obsessions with being wanted, loved, attractive and in relationship can get in our way.

When we are feminine for our own sakes, we do not feed these obsessions or attempt to manipulate others, which is something women learn to do when they have no direct access to power. When we pay most attention to how we feel, rather than to the response of other, we own our own power and are authentic.

2. Explore, experiment, create, express – To please ourselves, we have each to explore what being feminine means to us and what helps us to feel feminine, and to enjoy and express the many different aspects of our femininity. This might include exploring creative outlets such as art, writing, music or dance, or creating a home or garden, or connecting with children, nature, the earth, sea, women, men, intuition …

3. Reclaim choice – To change deeply entrenched habits, we need to be aware of our liking for what is familiar and, hence, comfortable. For many of us, that includes responding in a neutral or masculine way. Only when we are aware of doing so, do we have real choice.

4. Connect and flow with life – The power of the feminine comes from connecting and co-operating. This is usually seen as co-operating with others but it can also apply to flowing with life and change. The feminine, which is associated with intuition and feelings, is well placed to do this, provided we own our feelings rather than resist them or dump them on others.

5. Connect with others (in an isolating culture) – The feminine is associated with and, to some extent, discovered through, connection and co-operation with others. Now that we are all so busy and many of us are somewhat isolated, this can be challenging.

A resource which is useful for this and for learning to flow with life is improvisation, in dance and in theatrical games. Look out for theatrical or comedy improvisation, Action Theatre, Five rhythms, The Wave, contact improvisation, Biodanza.

6. Connect with our bodies – While the masculine has a narrow, mental focus, the feminine has a broader view which includes our bodies, sensuality, feelings, hearts and all life. There are many forms of movement that are useful for connecting with our bodies. Some of these, such as sacred movement and dance, also help us to connect at other levels.

Look out for belly dance, which connects us with our bodies, sensuality and femininity. The emphasis is not on body shape but on using and enjoying what we have. That said, dancing in front of huge mirrors can be challenging but meeting that challenge helps us get over our obsession with having ‘perfect’ bodies and come to terms with what we actually look like, which is extremely liberating. There is also growing movement of dance which fuses the dance of different traditions. This is particularly useful for experiencing different aspects of the feminine (like the proud, earthiness of tribal dance; fiery flamenco, softer Indian dance). Look out for tribal fusion or ATS classes.

7. Open – The more we inhabit our bodies, the more we open, which allows us to feel more feminine.

One aspect of this is sharing ourselves. In 2007, a study revealed that, contrary to popular myths, men talk just as much as women. It does seem to be true that women talk more about people however. This can descend to gossip, or we can help others to share themselves and connect with others in a fuller, deeper and more meaningful way.

8. Praise – “The feminine grows through praise” David Deida.

According to Deida, the masculine grows through challenge and the feminine through praise, at least in part because praise helps us to open. Deida does not however, tell us how to meet the challenge (in the UK, at least) of getting praise! The best answer I’ve come up with is to praise myself freely and often, and to notice signs of approval in the responses of others (like being more open with me, giving me their time, attention or a smile).

9. Take great care of yourself – When we are nurtured and ‘loved up’, we are softer, more open and feminine. The feminine is the great nurturer, so lets love and pamper ourselves. This includes choosing the company we keep with care and ensuring we always have the support we need. When we take great care of ourselves we can keep our hearts open.

10. Clothes, hair and energy – I was tempted to call this section ‘appearance’ but there is much more to it than that. Clothes, fabrics, colours and even styles, all have an energy and affect how we feel (confident, happy, sexy, attractive etc.). Very often, it is this feeling that attracts people’s attention, rather than the outward change, which brings us back to pleasing ourselves.

11. Love, relationships and heart wisdom – Despite the feminine obsession with love and intimate relationships, most divorces are initiated by women. The love, intimacy and deeper heart felt connections we long for are only possible when we drop down into our hearts and risk keeping our hearts open. When we do so, those around us naturally drop down into their own hearts, and open more, deepening their connection with themselves and their heart’s wisdom, their environment and with us. This is the gift of the feminine, a gift the world sorely needs.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Markley

Lisa teaches the Tantric Art of Bellydance on Thursday evenings on Capitol Hill, Washington DC. The focus is on how to dance from the heart and love your body. Get in touch with your sensual spirit through the joy of authentic Middle Eastern dance technique and your own divine feminine power. To sign up or for more information see: Bellydance

Forty is the New Twenty? We Hope Not

My close friend and gorgeous goddess Eve, who is 40

By Tina Tobin

When turning forty it seemed that I was assaulted by the phrase “forty is the new twenty.” It was especially targeted at women since advertisers seem to assume that we are more susceptible to these messages than men. I first heard this proclamation when Demi Moore turned 40 and pictures of her in a bikini were on all the newsstands. Like many women in their mid-thirties, I hit the gym a little harder hoping to have a body like Demi when we turned 40.

Years later, we had to face everything we knew to be true about time and gravity. We women were still all for staying in shape, but we had to acknowledge the reality of trying to look twenty at forty. It is at best, overly optimistic, and at worst, borderline neurotic.

Around this time women were given a new outlook on this pitch of forty being the new twenty when Demi and the much younger Ashton Kutcher became an item. Maybe we don’t need to look twenty we all thought, maybe we can just act twenty. This brief fantasy didn’t feel right either. For most of us there are too many responsibilities at forty that don’t allow us to act like we’re twenty. Although women with reliable baby sitters did get a few Saturday nights of acting twenty.

So if we didn’t want to look or act twenty, we needed to ask ourselves “What is so great about twenty that anyone would want to recreate it at forty?” Aside from looking good in those skinny jeans that have made an unfortunate comeback, most women I know couldn’t think of anything. When we were twenty we worried about what nearly everyone thought about us. By age forty our list of people whose opinions we cared about was very small, and filled only with people that would say kind things about us.

Somewhere along the line, Demi Moore also seemed to find that there is a freedom to being in your forties that you don’t have in your twenties. Photos of her in glamorous clothes at Hollywood hot spots were replaced with photos of her in a ball cap driving her kids to soccer games. Of course this new look meant that she was photographed a lot less, but I guess she crossed the paparazzi of her list of people to impress about the same time we crossed off the women who go to gym wearing make-up and designer work-out clothes.

So after quite a bit of reflecting, I feel comfortable saying that women don’t want forty to be the new twenty. We wouldn’t mind a few less wrinkles and other trivial perks that come with being twenty, but we wouldn’t trade the lessons and the joys that graced us during the years between twenty and forty. I’d like to think that we are wiser at forty than we were at twenty. The true test is if we have learned to enjoy whatever age we happen to be and not waste a moment trying to go backwards.

Tina Tobin has been an advocate for women and family issues for many years. She is the creator of the interactive website http://www.luvemorleavem.com where women can share straight-forward relationship advice.

What is Carefree Sensuality?

Carefree sensuality is casual beauty that is natural and undeliberate and appealing to the senses beyond simply the visual. It does not involve hiding anything or putting anything on gaudy display. Someone who has carefree sensuality does not try too hard. She never buys in to the heavily orchestrated overly sexualized showy motions of the insecure attention starved girls with the desperate hope that every eye is on her. A woman with carefree sensuality can throw on a sundress with no bra and an old pair of sandals to meet friends in a cafe, and her efforts do not vary based on the gender of those she comes in contact with.

Carefree sensuality begins with confidence, not the confidence of a peacock strutting around a courtyard beckoning a glance from every passerby, but the confidence that allows for paying attention to surroundings and not being preoccupied with every detail of one’s self. She cares about how she looks but she is not obsessed with it. She emits a powerful energy force that attracts people of both genders while they have no idea why. It is a rich and decadent beauty that can’t be faked or bought in a bottle and goes far deeper than just looks, into the soul.